The big Poop

AMERICA , F@CK YEAH!!!

I feel hung over . Not from my glass of wine I half drank , half spilled while I spontaneously led 500 people in The National Anthem …. but from the crazy lead up to last night .

My ouchy head and belly ache are from my O.D.ing on election coverage . I don’t know about you , but I pumped WAY too much information into myself over these last many months . Not necessarily “facts” per se …. but information . From nice, crispy statistics and voting records , to the heavier punditry (on both sides) to deeply fried paranoid conspiracies to wild explorations into nasty schoolyard gossip . It was like I wanted a salad but stuffed my face with whatever fatty crap I could grab with greasy buffet tongs . I gobbled up everything on the internets and on the news . The war of words , even the made up , carefully mispronounced to sound more American-y words … were yummy and addicting , but very nearly made me puke ….. a lot .

I feel so much better today . To say the very least … but I wonder why I stuffed myself so much on the good the bad and the rancid.

Barack Obama was my guy early on . I was solid . Neither the news , the polls , nor discoveries of nefarious characters who played G’nip G’nop with my guy in grade school , were going to change my position . But I could not tear myself away from the endless flow of opinion and panicked conjecture crackling from everywhere . Why ? Because I was worried about THEM . The un decideds , the easily swayed , the mercurial , the fickle , those in a tortured love triangle with Bill O’Reilly and Kieth Olbermann . I pored over every minute of news cycle to see if I could read the writing on the situation room wall … who was going to win ?

The more I worried , the scarier it all got … the scarier THEY got …. and the more scare-der THEY got of people like me . ” I hate you” , “I hate you too” ” ….. I hope your cat gets ass cancer , you bigot !” “You are a fucking gay terrorist baby raper!” ” I LEARNED IT FROM YOU DAD! I LEARNED IT FROM YOU !!” and the like …. it got pretty yucky .

But last night , there was a huge collective sigh of relief . The fear gave way to ecstatic cheering , tears of joy and one drunken patriotic sing-along . My fears went bye-bye . But what about the other guys ?

This morning , I thought the Drudge Report would be a tire fire of panic , and the FOX News channel would either be those vertical color bars signaling they were off the air , or there would be a Mad Max type scene with blood , burnt walls and grainy footage of Anne Coulter shaving her head and Sean Hannity babbling incoherently while he ate his own testicles .

To my great surprise , watching FOX news today , the mood was positively mellow . Ari Fleischer and Karl Rove were casually talking about the future of the republican party , the young rising stars ( Sarah Palin was not on that list , btw…. ) and the 2012 election . No bleeding walls , no burning bodies…..nobody was running around screaming about terrorists , reparations or anti American views …. they didn’t look scared at all . It was downright jocular .

I hope the amiable vibe over there catches on . John McCain’s concession speech was a gracious moment , but I think he should do a bit more about healing the rift between his and the Obama voterratti . The rhetoric of fear and division that colored his and Gov. Palin’s rallies was so jarring and nasty , they would do well to play peace makers now . I’m sure there is an enormous number of his supporters who are absolutely pooping their pants today , since enough of them believe that Barack Obama will give his first speech from the oval office in front of a huge inverted cross , then tear off his face revealing that he is really a Sleestack .

The fear and pettiness are nowhere to be seen today , however . Today looks pretty good . My hangover will ease up …. until the news cycle picks up on something else to gorge myself on …. but today , I feel like I took a big ol’ poo and the world is
all sweetness and light .

God bless America . Fuck yeah .

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *