Hello friends and lovers! Due to the current, appalling hate filled climate out there, I am compelled to start dispatching what I can from here (The Road, my home) to shed light, to rant, and to hopefully make a few people laugh. Yes, it will get political. We’re in the midst of a Real Naked And Afraid Housewives Of Dance Moms On Survivor So You Think You Can Run A Country type of reality shit show, and I am genuinely concerned. And as a straight up fuck you to the white supremacy group Storm Front, I will call this blog, “Storm’s Front”.
For those of you all frothy about the state of things, please hang out. For the rest who gnash their teeth at musicians and other mouthy type artists getting into the fray with opinion and concern… .go back to your happy place. I start with one of you, here:
SHUT UP AND SING YOU DUMB CUNT.
That was a message I received from an irate former fan. From a guy who used to always complement my appearance and voice. But he didn’t like it, NOT ONE BIT, when I ranted about The Donald and his KKK amnesia, and general douchebaggery. I sent a gentle “fuck you, bye” to the offending/offended former fan, and then I blocked him.
Yeah, I blocked him… pussy move, maybe, but fuck that. Some people enjoy engaging with hateful trolls online. Not me. I’ve had intense debates and enlightening exchanges with strangers online, but I’m too sensitive to go arguing with anonymous dipshits online, whose sole objective is to spooge their hate jizz all over the place. You go ahead and do 140 character battle with those screaming ass sores, I’ll be over here, down some happy ‘Brian May riffs’ rabbit hole, watching porn or learning how my elbow pain is actually cancer.
Don’t get me wrong, I will bust your fucking head open on a table and kick your unconscious body around in front of your screaming girlfriend in a bar fight. But, in general, I’m a big softie. Ask anyone.
Though not nearly as constantly as other notable women online, I get my fair share of sexist insults… like this DUMB CUNT guy. But despite all my pro choice, pro gay, anti gun yet pro cop, and pro Black Lives Matter very, VERY anti Trump… and various other commie, sensibly leftist rants… I’ve only received a handful of death threats. I’ve been called any number of awful things, and told any number of awful places to go. Big deal. But this DUMB CUNT was a head scratcher.
Maybe it’s the missing comma.
Being dumb about commas is upsetting to me. Like the over use of acronyms upsets me. Especially when you are at your computer, with its generous button-y qwerty keyboard. Using shorthand on your phone makes sense, in some cases, but if you are on your computer, yet STILL can’t even get all the way to the end of the already tiny fucking words you’re abbreviating, without needing a Redbull or someone to notice your fucking hair, you, my friend, are a dick. So comma ignorance and over abbreviasche=upsetting.
SHUT UP AND SING YOU DUMB CUNT, of course, should be, “Shut up and sing, you dumb cunt.” Ouch, right?! Even when I write it that way, it insults the shit out of me. Take away the comma, though, and it suggests, ‘Hey YOU! Stop making noise with your mouth hole, yet somehow still sing that song called “You Dumb Cunt”’.
Wait… Is there a song called “You Dumb Cunt.”? If not, I’ll get right on that… can’t you already hear a “Three Blind Mice” melody? You-dumb-cunt! You-dumb-cunt! Shut-up-and-sing! You-dumb-cunt!
The whole phrase, “SHUT UP AND SING YOU DUMB CUNT “ (written in all caps for emphasis, suggesting size, girth and volume) is so funny and odd. Firstly: SHUT UP AND SING makes no sense, for obvious reasons mentioned above.
Now, had he said “GET LOST” or “GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC” that would make way more sense, because the imperative is for the insultee (me) to go away, thus no longer upsetting nor offending the insultor (DUMB CUNT GUY). It also suggests (or subtly hopes) that the insultee will die in an accident or go be murdered, so they no longer exist at all. “FUCK OFF” and “GO FUCK YOURSELF” are more commonly used as an emphasis to shutting up, but they’ve always been less clear to me, Simply because most of us love fucking. And ‘Fucking off’ is how most of us spend time on the internet in the first place. We fuck off online instead of working. So telling someone to fuck off is like saying, “CUTEST SLOTH MEMES!” or “GOOGLE ‘SEGWAY FAILS’!”
And fucking myself was how I learned how TO fuck… something I am now awesome at.
SHUT UP AND SING!? I don’t know if you’ve ever heard me sing, but I’m actually quite good… awesome, in fact. The insulting all-capsy ex fan would even admit that… so it’s hilarious that he would tell me to go do the other thing I am awesome at, as a means to vehemently disagree with my opinion. Also, besides being a good singer, I am incredibly loud. Like, Bruce Dickinson loud. So hating my opinion that bigotry is not a great platform for any elected office, and expressing said hatred by yelling at me, in all caps, to go be awesome AND loud… is my favorite flavor of dumb.
My anti bigotry pro abortion tree hugging cop loving sin living smell my finger opinions are naturally loud as holy fuck in my walk-a-day life, but when I sing?
Standing at an elevated position on stage, my lips painted war red, my tits primed forward like battleships, my whole self lit and shining like a flag flapping over a free country, I sing into a microphone that turns me up to eleven and BOOM. I am a super power. I am influential. I am an agent of change.
I work big, dark rooms, ripe with the attention of thousands of hungry strangers, and I win. Music is a magical thing. Doesn’t matter if you are religious or atheist, liberal, conservative, moderate… even if you’re a fucking troll… . music has done magical things for you and your life. And I get to make it. Maybe that’s why artists get yelled at for being openly opinionated. Because people listen to us more than they listen to you, flicking boogers at the rest of us from some corner of your shitty life.
In closing, I sing, YOU shut up. (…the DUMB CUNT is silent.)