Thank you SO MUCH , everyone , for coming to see “Crazy Enough” and spreading the word . The sales have gone completely nuts so we are likely to extend at this point . If so, I will be on stage June 25th when I turn 40 .
My God I hope I don’t have a meltdown . I usually feel weird around my birthday anyways … not because I’m getting older or anything … it’s just a time of introspection . Where am I , where’ve I been , where am I going ? Whoa … what is happening to my butt ? That kind of crap . The “zero factor” of this birthday , however , not to mention my publicly reliving some major moments from my past , 8 times a week , is really cranking up the self scrutiny .
Oh for the days when it was ” I want chocolate cake …. and a black timber wolf …. a magic carpet OR wings ….or a horse ….aand an easy-bake oven , for my birthday . ” Now it’s all about , ” I want to like my body … I want to not care what I look like , or what anybody thinks …. I want Steve Martin to call me and tell me I’m awesome . And HE likes my body …. even though I DON’T care what I look like , or what anybody thinks …. ”
These thoughts really go nuts at bedtime . I want to go to bed with goofy dreams …. not holding the squish on the sides of my ass trying to use creative visualization to build collagen . When THAT doesn’t put me to sleep , I play scrabble against my computer … whom I already know cheats , but I play anyways , inevitably getting more and more pissed because HE somehow has a tray full of Ms , the Z and other awesome letters , and I have a T and all the I tiles . Resulting in me waking Davey up because I start cursing at the screen … ” Fucking Lying Macintosh … stupid fucking Steve Jobs … cheating ass LIAR …. ” Davey groans at me to go to sleep , but now , I’m fully awake so I get up and do squats . Well , I think about doing them . Really , I just lie awake wondering what my ass would look like if I did 100 squats every night before bed , for my whole life , and I’d never eaten a chocolate covered cashew , or had a martini , ever , and I had skipped dinner for the last five years and really DIDN’T care what people thought . I usually fall asleep around 4 in the morning with the sounds of Anderson Cooper gay-flirting with Erica Hill .
I guess this is actually “middle age” I’m looking at . On the one hand , I could easily die by 80 , as do many people , thus putting me in the smack dab middle of life . Or , you could call it “middle age” because of the torture I put my brain through . I chase my so called weaknesses and insecurities around my head like torch wielding villagers chase a monster or witch ….hoping to trap it in an old shack and then burn it to death . ” DIE BODY DYSMORPHIA! DIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!! ”
Birthdays with the zero factor really crank up the neurosis for most people , so I don’t feel like I’m singing such a weird song here . However , as cranky as my brain can get around this time of year , all my introspection and over analysis will eventually give way to my go-to phrase : ” I fucking rule , thank you very much ” . What will happen then , in all likelihood , will be I end up somewhere awesome with my best friends and the love of my life , drinking martinis , eating chocolate covered cashews celebrating my weird life so far .
And with that , I again say , thank you . Thank you for allowing me to tell stories and sing songs AND get old , all at the same time … in front of you .
See you out there … and tell Steve Martin to call me .