SHUT UP AND SING YOU DUMB CUNT

Storm's Front

Hello friends and lovers! Due to the current, appalling hate filled climate out there, I am compelled to start dispatching what I can from here (The Road, my home) to shed light, to rant, and to hopefully make a few people laugh. Yes, it will get political. We’re in the midst of a Real Naked And Afraid Housewives Of Dance Moms On Survivor So You Think You Can Run A Country type of reality shit show, and I am genuinely concerned. And as a straight up fuck you to the white supremacy group Storm Front, I will call this blog, “Storm’s Front”.

For those of you all frothy about the state of things, please hang out. For the rest who gnash their teeth at musicians and other mouthy type artists getting into the fray with opinion and concern… .go back to your happy place. I start with one of you, here:

SHUT UP AND SING YOU DUMB CUNT.

That was a message I received from an irate former fan. From a guy who used to always complement my appearance and voice. But he didn’t like it, NOT ONE BIT, when I ranted about The Donald and his KKK amnesia, and general douchebaggery. I sent a gentle “fuck you, bye” to the offending/offended former fan, and then I blocked him.

Yeah, I blocked him… pussy move, maybe, but fuck that. Some people enjoy engaging with hateful trolls online. Not me. I’ve had intense debates and enlightening exchanges with strangers online, but I’m too sensitive to go arguing with anonymous dipshits online, whose sole objective is to spooge their hate jizz all over the place. You go ahead and do 140 character battle with those screaming ass sores, I’ll be over here, down some happy ‘Brian May riffs’ rabbit hole, watching porn or learning how my elbow pain is actually cancer.

Don’t get me wrong, I will bust your fucking head open on a table and kick your unconscious body around in front of your screaming girlfriend in a bar fight. But, in general, I’m a big softie. Ask anyone.

Though not nearly as constantly as other notable women online, I get my fair share of sexist insults… like this DUMB CUNT guy. But despite all my pro choice, pro gay, anti gun yet pro cop, and pro Black Lives Matter very, VERY anti Trump… and various other commie, sensibly leftist rants… I’ve only received a handful of death threats. I’ve been called any number of awful things, and told any number of awful places to go. Big deal. But this DUMB CUNT was a head scratcher.

Maybe it’s the missing comma.

Being dumb about commas is upsetting to me. Like the over use of acronyms upsets me. Especially when you are at your computer, with its generous button-y qwerty keyboard. Using shorthand on your phone makes sense, in some cases, but if you are on your computer, yet STILL can’t even get all the way to the end of the already tiny fucking words you’re abbreviating, without needing a Redbull or someone to notice your fucking hair, you, my friend, are a dick. So comma ignorance and over abbreviasche=upsetting.

SHUT UP AND SING YOU DUMB CUNT, of course, should be, “Shut up and sing, you dumb cunt.” Ouch, right?! Even when I write it that way, it insults the shit out of me. Take away the comma, though, and it suggests, ‘Hey YOU! Stop making noise with your mouth hole, yet somehow still sing that song called “You Dumb Cunt”’.

Wait… Is there a song called “You Dumb Cunt.”? If not, I’ll get right on that… can’t you already hear a “Three Blind Mice” melody? You-dumb-cunt! You-dumb-cunt! Shut-up-and-sing! You-dumb-cunt!

The whole phrase, “SHUT UP AND SING YOU DUMB CUNT “ (written in all caps for emphasis, suggesting size, girth and volume) is so funny and odd. Firstly: SHUT UP AND SING makes no sense, for obvious reasons mentioned above.

Now, had he said “GET LOST” or “GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC” that would make way more sense, because the imperative is for the insultee (me) to go away, thus no longer upsetting nor offending the insultor (DUMB CUNT GUY). It also suggests (or subtly hopes) that the insultee will die in an accident or go be murdered, so they no longer exist at all. “FUCK OFF” and “GO FUCK YOURSELF” are more commonly used as an emphasis to shutting up, but they’ve always been less clear to me, Simply because most of us love fucking. And ‘Fucking off’ is how most of us spend time on the internet in the first place. We fuck off online instead of working. So telling someone to fuck off is like saying, “CUTEST SLOTH MEMES!” or “GOOGLE ‘SEGWAY FAILS’!”

And fucking myself was how I learned how TO fuck… something I am now awesome at.

SHUT UP AND SING!? I don’t know if you’ve ever heard me sing, but I’m actually quite good… awesome, in fact. The insulting all-capsy ex fan would even admit that… so it’s hilarious that he would tell me to go do the other thing I am awesome at, as a means to vehemently disagree with my opinion. Also, besides being a good singer, I am incredibly loud. Like, Bruce Dickinson loud. So hating my opinion that bigotry is not a great platform for any elected office, and expressing said hatred by yelling at me, in all caps, to go be awesome AND loud… is my favorite flavor of dumb.

My anti bigotry pro abortion tree hugging cop loving sin living smell my finger opinions are naturally loud as holy fuck in my walk-a-day life, but when I sing?

Standing at an elevated position on stage, my lips painted war red, my tits primed forward like battleships, my whole self lit and shining like a flag flapping over a free country, I sing into a microphone that turns me up to eleven and BOOM. I am a super power. I am influential. I am an agent of change.

I work big, dark rooms, ripe with the attention of thousands of hungry strangers, and I win. Music is a magical thing. Doesn’t matter if you are religious or atheist, liberal, conservative, moderate… even if you’re a fucking troll… . music has done magical things for you and your life. And I get to make it. Maybe that’s why artists get yelled at for being openly opinionated. Because people listen to us more than they listen to you, flicking boogers at the rest of us from some corner of your shitty life.

In closing, I sing, YOU shut up. (…the DUMB CUNT is silent.)

xoxoS

storm large

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storm large

Le Bonheur Now Available

American renaissance woman and vocal superstar Storm Large presents her first major release with her new band Le Bonheur, available worldwide October 7 on Heinz Records. Le Bonheur (French for “The Happiness”) draws inspiration from a rich and varied musical tradition; Storm shares her vision of a genre-free world, collecting songs born of French theatrical chanson, jazz standard, heavy metal, smokehouse lounge, and a handful of originals, and stitching them all together into her own singular sonic tapestry to create an unrestrained and impassioned exploration of love, desire, and truth.

1. I’ve Got You Under My Skin
2. Sacred Love
3. A Woman’s Heart
4. I Think It’s Going to Rain Today
5. Forbidden Fruit
6. N.I.B.
7. The Lady is a Tramp
8. Unchained Melody
9. Ne me quitte pas
10. It’s All Right with Me
11. Saving All My Love for You
12. Satellite of Love
13. Stand up for Me

SPRING FEVER… WHAT??!!

Yes.

Around here, in the Pacific Northwest, the locals are kicking off boots, peeling out of their Pendleton swaddling and tilting their beards skyward. Sunshine? Is that you…? Transient, warm puffs of air have been coaxing buds, birdies, arms, legs and boobs out into the open for the last week or so, and it’s delicious. Everybody’s horny for some vitamin D and smiley weather. Springtime. Bring it.

What’s it like where you are?

BOSTON, NEW YORK, DETROIT, ST. LOUIS, MINNEAPOLIS, CHICAGO,PHOENIX, LAS VEGAS, and LOS ANGELES

Storm and Le Bonheur want your face.

Tuesday 4/1 REGATTA BAR, Cambridge, Mass :: GET TICKETS

Wednesday 4/2 JOE’S PUB, New York, New York :: GET TICKETS

Tuesday 4/8 MUSIC BOX@Detroit Symphony Hall, Detroit MI :: GET TICKETS

Friday 4/11 GASLIGHT THEATER, St. Louis, MO :: GET TICKETS

Saturday 4/12 GASLIGHT THEATER, St. Louis, MO :: GET TICKETS

Sunday 4/13 DAKOTA JAZZ CLUB, Minneapolis, MN :: GET TICKETS

Wednesday 4/16 SPACE, Evanston, IL :: GET TICKETS

Thursday 4/17 MUSICAL INSTRUMENT MUSEUM, Phoenix AZ :: GET TICKETS

Friday 4/18 THE SMITH CENTER, Las Vegas, NV :: GET TICKETS

Sunday 4/20 LARGO AT THE CORONET, Los Angeles, CA :: GET TICKETS

So much to smile about.
See you out there.

xoxoStorm

Photo by Laura Domela www.domela.com

s2

Tales From Abroad

Tales from abroad…actually, some questions from a broad.

So, I guess the made for TV artist formerly known as Hannah Montana acted like some coked out stripper on television, and now there is a world-wide snit tsunami going on about it. I’m curious as to why.

I’ve read the open letter to Miley C. from Sinead O’Connor and then the response to Sinead from Amanda Palmer. Both of the letters were beautifully written, very loving and compassionate in intent. Now, both of these women, Sinead and Amanda, are fucking brilliant. Totally anti establishment, as far as what women in the music industry are supposed to look and behave like. Outspoken, wise, non-commercial and unconventionally beautiful…basically they have chunks of the status quo in their poop…. and women are hopping all over THEM now about this. Again, what gives?

I only understand the furor insofar as whenever a pop culture zeitgeist hits the common consciousness, EVERYBODY has to chime in (ahem…as I am doing here), but understand, this is a partial rant, partial plea for clarity. I’ve heard and read a lot of name calling, slut shaming and saw some mean, dickish responses from Ms. Cyrus herself, but I’m on tour right now, have been for weeks, (presently in Germany), so I’m just playing catch-up here.

(PS, very few Germans knew a whiff about Miley Cyrus until she air humped that tool….and later a hammer…so there’s that.)
If I’m remembering correctly, this whole twerk thing started around the same time Assad got busted for using chemical weapons against his people, (as opposed to the much more acceptable, humane mortar, shrapnel and comfy cozy bullets he was using genocidally before) but everyone, I suppose, was so relieved when Vladimir Putin stepped in and said, “Hey gurl, I got this” that we could all, collectively, go back to flipping out about M.C.’s skinny, free-for-all-to-see ass and GODDAMMITT??!!!

Can’t we just let her find her own way? I get the feminist ire. She’s getting a ton of attention for acting like a douche and is proving herself to be a bratty little asshole about it, but all the fury, condemnation …even cavalier predictions of her death are beneath us. Or are they?

We have always been inundated with young hot girls seeking easy attention with their bodies…. but why is there such a collective gasp of disbelief when a chick rips her clothes off in an artless “LOOKIT MEEEE!!!!” move? Does seeing them have some lycanthropic effect, like a werewolf bite? Where you lose total control of your faculties, cut your jeans into a thong, whip your tits out and go all bukaki crazy, shooting selfies while having three-way sword fights in your mouth?
If you’re pursing your lips at that last sentence, thinking I’m a pig…then no. No, you are not thusly affected by over sexualized images of young girls in the media…other than being disgusted. But some girls are going to do that. They just are. I know I totally did.

Not the sword fight selfie thing…but you get it. Hi, Dad.

Disney Corp. has always taken young, pretty girls, and let them bud into hot as balls young women in front of us, and WE are TOTALLY supposed to notice how achingly gorgeous a woman they are developing into, but they, oh no…THEY have to keep that shit to themselves and are forbidden to own or understand it. In. No. Sense. We can fan ourselves, licking our lips over their jail bait-y blossoming, buy all their soft core kinder porn pencil boxes and back packs and crap, but shame on YOU, Slutty McSlutterson if you figure it out, and actually DO what we fantasize about you doing in our heads, with your sugarplums et al.

Older folks presently yelling at their screens, remember The Mickey Mouse Club? Annette Funicello? Did you just remember her boobs and how they made you feel? Uh-huh. YOU shut up.

Madonna ran the exact same kind of amok with her hotness (granted she had better choreography) and “BOY TOY” was a young Madge badge of honor. Though we all know very well she was more pimp than plaything… still is. But there’s more fist pumping, ‘You GO Girl’-ing at Madonna’s ownership than Miley’s clumsy first run at her sexually independent image. Why? I’m not being self-righteous here, I’m genuinely asking why.

Doesn’t it make sense that MC went all balls out bananas once out of Mickey’s white gloved grip? I mean, it seems to be having the desired effect as far as she’s concerned. But the reactionary raging is what has me scratching my head.

I would love it if we channeled the energy into pushing more badass women into the spotlight instead of spewing our rage onto these half naked girls and then on to each other about what’s wrong with us and our opinions about these girls. Women spend more fire, it seems, fighting against and devaluing other women than being constructive or solution oriented.
The best way to get a kid to do something is to scream at them NOT to…and yelling at someone is the most effective way to get them to stop listening. I realize we are mostly disgusted by the constant exploitation of young hot things, as opposed to shaming the girls themselves, I mean they barely know better. But the way women are shredding each other on this topic reminds me of a scorpion stinging itself to death because it’s too hot.

But maybe this isn’t even about women or girls specifically, maybe the furor is misdirected anger about our celebrity culture. It should be, anyway. We have really gone down an ugly weird road with fame and celebrity in this society. Kids say more and more they want to be famous, not for anything in particular…just famous. Of course it is a crying out just to be seen… and loved, ultimately. We can blame any number of entities, but you can’t un-ring that bell.

Child celebrity stories, especially, seem to end badly… more than half the time. We’ve all seen it again and again, and we all watch with baited breath and a bag of chips. It’s easy to feel bad for a sad and lonely child….but a sad and lonely RICH AND UBER FAMOUS child? Fuuu-huuuuck them! Those beautiful, seemingly enviable lives, box office gold and multiplatinum record sales…YAWN. Talent schmalent, the REAL excitement happens when these young stars start to circle the drain. Remember young Justin Bieber? No one could believe the talent of this kid, discovered by Usher when he was so young he still had vagina bruises from being born. Now the kid isn’t even 20 and everyone is hoping he ODs and goes away. There were death pools on Britney Spears when she was losing it, and everyone seems to have such a rock hard judge-y hate boner for Lindsey Lohan. Does excoriating these kids somehow purge us of our own bullshit? Can’t we collectively get as horny for something positive out there?

People love to snicker, laugh and judge drug addicted and emotionally disturbed celebrities. There are entire industries based on tearing down famous people, gunning for a train wreck. (So much so, a huge part of the TV industry has just shrugged and said “Fuck it! Let’s just FIND train wrecks and make THEM celebrities!” but that’s for another rant) It’s all fun and games, that is, until one of them actually dies… very publicly. Then there is a sweeping hush….”Isn’t it SO sad…tsk-tsks..” out of the same lips, that days earlier had run red with witty barbs shredding them.

MILEY CYRUS FOUND DEAD.

Would you smirk and say I told you so? Would you feel great about being right, or would you, maybe, wish she had had a chance to redeem herself in your eyes, or…what? Would you feel anything?

Think back to something funny you heard or even said about Michael Jackson before he died. Anna Nicole Smith? Amy Winehouse?

Again, this is a human condition questioning, not grand standing. I too have caught myself grinning in schadenfreude when the seemingly mighty fall… or fuck up royally. But these kids are not mighty, some are talented, sure, but mostly, they’re just beautiful things being sold to us. Sometimes so beautiful, it’s hard to remember there’s a heart beating in there. But there is.
OK, back to Miley-gate.

It’s impossible to understand and therefore have compassion for someone who has only been filmed, made, dressed and dolled up, told where to sit, stand, how to laugh, talk, behave, behave, behave, for their whole young lives…and for the whole world to see. They’re paid obscene amounts of money, partly for their ability to sing and act, maybe, but mostly, they get paid for doing what they’re told to do. Then, when they’re out in public they’re inundated with shouts of: “YOU’RE AMAZING!!! I LOVE YOU!!! OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!! I WANT TO BE YOUUUU!!! Along with packs of people, everywhere, chanting their name over and over.

I’m not a gambler OR a psychologist, but I’ll bet it’s a mind fuck.

So yeah, Miley was decidedly un-elegant in her performance with that ass grabby guy on that show. But can’t we allow her some twerking room to try and figure out who she is? She can’t pretend she isn’t already world famous for being Hannah Montana, a cute plucky pop star, shenanigan-ing her way through a made for TV life. She’s only just started to break free of the restraints of being too young to know better, (and, clearly, she STILL doesn’t know better, but it seems to me she’s trying at least.) And if her cunty snark attacks against even her well meaning nay sayers continue, and she proves to be just another talentless overblown assface, then fuck her. Don’t buy her shit, change the channel and forget about her, she’ll go away.
Meanwhile how’bout we move on, take it easy on each other, and try to not buy so much into all this judger-tainment. Her twitchy little butt has gotten everyone up, so let’s take some windex to our glass houses and look at our own butts, too.

PPS…Though folks in Germany now know who she is, they don’t think she’s all hashtag amazing, adorbs, or talented…they’re just amused.

With love from Berlin,
xoStormer

Home For The Holidays

Hi there from an airport in Europe. I’m writing this in an airport. When you get it, and read it, rest assured I’ll be in, or on my way to (or from)…another fucking airport. I don’t mind usually, but I am pretty sick, and have been since we left NYC on Sept 23. Yeah yeah, I’m a badass, with my powerful stride and swagger, but Lordy am I a sad little boo boo bitch when I’m sick.

Please send chicken soup vibes in the direction of the Baltic region, thanks.

Before I go back into my sweaty Turkish Nyquil napping, let me tell you about the big bag of AWESOME that will be in November. One, I’ll be better, Two, I’ll be home, Three I’ll be recording a standards album… (or SUB-standards..more on that later) aaaand FOUR….? Four? WHAT is four, you’re wondering? What’s the big frigging deal about four?

The big DEAL, as in ORDEAL!
THE HOLIDAY ORDEAL, that is..or REVENGE of the Holiday Ordeal, or Son of the Holiday….you get it.

It’s my favorite kind of crazy Christmassy Holiday-y Solstice-ish Quaanzesque, Hannukkabulextra fabulosis party we haven’t done in forever. Guests, Gaffe’s, Gifts and Goofballery all happening while you digest your Thanksgiving excesses.

STORM LARGE’S HOLIDAY ORDEAL

Aladdin Theater
8PM, Friday and Saturday November 29 & 30
(AKA: Black Friday and Sparkly Saturday)
$35 general admission, $50 reserved golden circle tickets (plus service charge)
Click Here for Friday Tickets
Click Here for Saturday Tickets

I’m sure by then, I will once again, feel like this:
storm
Peace on Earth. Goodnight and see you out there.
xoxoStorm

Back To School

Me at 15… Ugggh….Gives me the heebeejeebies just writing that down. If you were like me, school held a grim reminder of what you lacked….good looks, money, decent fashion sense, any sense, really….but mostly coolness.

However, having been to my 25th high school reunion, plus running into old schoolmates from grade school to college, I’m happy to report, with heroic confidence, that:

I AM STILL NOT COOL!
At all.
And it fucking rules.
Storm of 84

Me at 15

Now “Back To School” means that I get to help my nieces get ready for D-Day; Day one of their new grade. This week we shopped, I gave them sage, grownup advice,
teaching them manners, how to swear without swearing, (BULLSHARK! FORKING EYESORE!) I showed them how to head butt a grown man, then we baked pies. All
the while laughing at them because…. they have to go back to school.
Schadenfreude aside, in solidarity with the better and brighter young people everywhere, I think we should all endeavor to learn something new….besides “twerking” and why it seems to make people madder at Miley Cyrus than they are at Bashar Al-Assad (that one is way lost on me).This year I’m volunteering in a barn to learn about caring for horses, I learned new songs in German and Farsi for Pink Martini, (GORGEOUS, by the way) PLUS I learned what
it’s like to record with Pink Martini in the studio, (SUPER fun, album, “Get Happy” out Sept 24), I am also hoping to teach myself how to read music (finally) and
play piano….all the while working on my masters in napping.
None of that is technically cool, per se, but the following show updates should redeem that.
PINK MARTINI:
Thursday September 5
Charlottesville VA at the Paramount Theater
Friday September 6
Raleigh NC Museum Of Art
Saturday September 7
Baltimore MD, The Meyerhoff
Monday September 16
Portland Oregon
Keep your ears to the ground and your eyes to the skies, happiness is free…and SO’S THE SURPRISE!
Sunday September 22
NYC, NY The Beacon Theater
BIG RECORD RELEASE FOR “GET HAPPY”
Check Pink Martini Dot Com for our European dates, of which there are MANY
THE STORM LARGE BAND
AKA Boners, Balls, Clam Hammers, The Boys, Cutie Patooties, Bangers….etc.
Friday & Saturday, November 29 & 30
Portland Oregon, Aladdin Theater
THE SPIFFED UP, RE-INSTITUTED AND HIGHLY ANTICIPATED RETURN OF THE HOLIDAY ORDEAL!!!!
Guests, gaffes, Christmas carols and gifts galore when we get into the spirit of whatever season you espouse
when the days grow short. Come celebrate and get silly with us.
NYE EARLY BIRD ALERT
Tuesday December 31st
Seattle WA, The Triple Door
Because we are celebrating Black Friday and Periwinkle Saturday for our Holiday Shows at the Aladdin, New Years will
be rocked with our neighbors to the North, two shows, early and late, with food and frou frou doo dads to ring in ’14.
See you out there, after school.
xoxoStorm

Carnegie Hall Recap

“The orchestra shone throughout, but with “The Seven Deadly Sins,” Detroit inherited that show stealer Ms. Large, who is best known for her popsier work with Pink Martini and other bands. She was sensational in a Brecht-Weill experiment of dipping country innocence serially into urban decadence and seeing what comes out. What came out here was personality plus (the tattoo across Ms. Large’s back, for those who couldn’t make it out, read, “Lover”), and her voice came through the subtle miking fetchingly.”

Crazy News!

What a crazy week!

Storm, Geena Davis

FIRST: I get home from three fun and fattening days in Nashville with Pink Martini, then immediately have to slap on some makeup and head to Dante’s with the band to film a scene with Geena Davis for TNTs as of yet untitled new show with her. (PS…she is delightful AND flipping gorgeous!) We shoot all day, we are all wiped out, then I start getting some pings on my phone : “So excited to see you tonight!” “Good luck tonight, Storm!!!” then a few…”Hey…where are you??”s

I was nominated for an Oregon Book Award for creative non fiction, and the big “and the winner is…” to-do was happening, right then, as I was mopping sweat off my half naked, Dante’s dirty self.

“I’m not gonna go. There’s no way I won. I’m beat. I’ll send flowers to the winner.” My little chorus went. Everyone agreed, sympathized, even.

“Actually, it’s kinda rude if you don’t go.” James, my best friend, music partner and hugely annoying moral compass chimed in. “It’s an honor that you were nominated, you should go and congratulate your peers.”

Whatever James.

Of course I went. I was late. I tried to hide backstage to cheer the winners as they got off the stage, but the organizers from Literary Arts weren’t having it. So I was THAT GUY bumbling my way through the crowded VIP section of the theater to sit in my VIP seat…in the front.

Immediately I was happy to be there, I got to sit with Larry Colton, my friend and mentor, and the reason for the book even happening. He got a lifetime achievement award and gave a hilarious speech that ended in homage to teachers. Bless that blustering man. Then my category was next:

….and I won.

Now, most of you know full well, I am an all around wordsmith. Metaphor and allegory drop from my lips like half eaten cheerios from a toddler…but I was stunned, literally to silence.
I shook, I started crying, I had absolutely nothing prepared except what I was going to say to the author I and EVERYONE was convinced would win. I remember standing at the podium,
calling Larry an A-hole, thanking….somebody….crying and attempting to make sense of what had happened. Then being led away and given a drink.

Here’s a sweet recap from Portland Monthly: http://www.portlandmonthlymag.com

Wow. So thank you, everyone, for this huge and unexpected honor.

CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME!!!
TWO SHOWS THIS WEEK:
April 19th at the gorgeous Sunset Center, in Carmel-By-The-Sea.
April 20 at the new version of my old favorite, Sweetwater, in Mill Valley.
xoStorm
packed house

On Tour with Pink Martini

Singer Storm Large began performing with Pink Martini in March 2011, when China Forbes took a leave of absence to undergo surgery on her vocal chords. China Forbes made a full recovery and both she and Storm Large continue to perform with Pink Martini.
[blockquote cite=”Thomas Lauderdale of Pink Martini”]I always hoped we could find a way to collaborate. She is a brilliant, beautiful, charismatic and seductive star who would give Jayne Mansfield a run for her money. While we are disappointed that China is unable to perform with us full-time, I am delighted be able to introduce Storm Large to audiences.[/blockquote]