Yearly Archives: 2009

I am currently at the Opera with my fellow bloggers , Cynthia Fuhrman , Bob Hicks , and Byron Beck…we are going to head backstage for snacks, drinks and to meet the cast of Phillip Glass’ “Orphee” .  It’s opening night and there is a line forming outside…a crispy cold night and Byron has already noted my boobs hiding inside my silly coat…. a thing I like to call a bath mat with sleeves . At least I’m warm!

On to the green room!

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OK ! Just got back from previewing the stage with the lovely (and minty breath-ed) Laura Hassle , production manager at the Keller Auditorium . The stage is “raked” which means it is pitched forward at an angle. The idea behind this stage set up is to project the un mic-ed voices outward. It is also the reason for the terms “upstage” and “downstage”.

No, I didn’t know that before today. Yes, that is dumb….but we all learn things at our own pace.

There is also a stretched canvas ceiling over the 50′x30′ set , unusual for this performance space but functional for cool lights and even more projection of sound. The set is a present-day, tastefully appointed loft with a very modern aesthetic. Byron (www.byronbeck.com) squealed when he saw some Louis Vitton props backstage. So gay… and I say that with all the love in the world for my swishy friend with the naturally great taste….and his permission.

The stage is mic-ed for recording purposes only. These studly Lords and Ladies use only their natural power and hard earned chops to fill the 3000 seat house. I feel like a total dork having to have used a microphone in such a small space (The Ellen Bye) for my show , when these folks push their arpeggiated arias naturally like bazookas made of meat and hot oxygen.

Speaking of hot meat…..my buddy and BBT partner, Marc Acito is in this fine production. (Blogging from backstage….www.marcacito.com)He’s playing a glazier, (a glass worker)has one line, consisting of three words and, I’ve been told, is wearing a cool ass worker uniform, with the perfect Acito pun on the back: ” Phil’s Glass” .

I love that man.

Julia Sheridan , PR Manager for The Opera, has talked us all into doing this Opening Night Blog deal and has now filled our table with surar-y treats and alcohol. My hunch is, as the night goes on, our tweets and blogs will get a touch more..um
….colorful.

More at intermission.

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Best line in the first act: ” My life stinks of success and death!”

Soooo French!

The text (projected over the stage) is straight from Jean Cocteau’s film, “Orphee” . All I know of Orphee is the greek, “Orpheus”. The tragic tale of a musician who loved his wife, Euridice, so much, he followed her to the Underworld to charm Hades and Persephone, with beautiful music, in exchange for getting his wife back. Hades is so moved, he allows Euridice to leave, with the caveat that though they can walk out, Orpheus in front, his wife walking a ways behind him, Orpheus CANNOT look back at her until they are both above ground, and among the living. Of course, as all awesome tragedies go, Orpheus gets to the surface, freaks out at the thought his Lady isn’t bringing up the rear, and turns around.

Jackass.

Anyways, the production is refined and clean with the signature Phillip Glass minimalism. The set, from the audiences’ perspective, looks like an ad for new condos in “Explore The Pearl” magazine, the cast is largely Portland hipster, with ironic beards, plaids, potbellies and beanies. However, La Princess (Death, who’s played with uber cat like cool by soprano, Lisa Saffer) is more Hollywood cougar. Long white furry coat draped over skinny black jeans and stacked heels…..long white coat…? So I’m kinda dressed like Death. Awesome.

Death glides around charming and taking people, following orders from the underworld. But, soon, like all women, she falls in love, gets all distracted, fucks up at work by taking a soul that lies between her and the object of her desire,Orphee. Ah, conflict.

ACT TWO:

Everything gets even more like a Calvin Klein fragrance ad. Though really happening in front of me, it could have been a black and white, French silent film full of hungry, bird boned models and scowl-y shirtless dudes. Sparse and beautiful, the piece never gets overwhelming musically nor visually. The principles and their body doubles move through the underworld via mirrors. (Mirrors are the doors between the living world and the world of the dead.) The actors move dreamily, in halting steps, through a diorama of love, longing, Ikea and impending doom. Death is love, and love sparks, fades, disappoints and then kills.

So French.

In the world of the living, death seems very dangerous and terrifying, but in the underworld, death is safe and stoic, with boundaries and rules. Love is forbidden.
In the end, the ultimate sacrifice must be made. Again, this is French, minimalist opera, so no, Death is not the ultimate sacrifice, it is forgoing passion and sweet danger of love for the sake of returning to a safe, banal life. A life where you forever try to recapture the feelings of passion, and the sweet danger of love…but cannot.

No I’m not drunk. I really enjoyed this production , go to www.portlandopera.org for more info on this and other upcoming productions.

See you out there,
xoxoStorm

NO . The Balls have not broken up … we all adore each other and will play again when the stars align ……rest assured .

Making a living as an artist is a many splendor-ed thing . By “splendor” , I mean it’s fuckin’ HARD . To make ends meet you have to grow , flow , starve and sprint your whole working life . In my twenty years as an independent artist , I hadn’t done so well until the last six or seven , where I finally earned a pretty decent wage . However , up until only THREE years ago , I was still shlepping drinks as a part time bartender at Dante’s .

James , Davey , Brian and myself are so grateful that we did so well for so long , a fun band of great friends traveling together around the world …. it’s the best time any band could ask for . Fuck fame and riches and contracts and cred … we had a BLAST just making music and getting up to mischief on and off stage . Let the “OMG SERIOUSLY?!”  haters hate . We rule and they can suck it .

The Balls did very well for a long time , creatively and financially , but family life and work life takes priority sometimes and we all respect that . It’s really hard to keep a band going and everyone gainfully employed , paid and insured . Marriage , kids and real life peek in and need to be dealt with ….. so we find other ways to sing , play , make and rock while our brothers are working on other parts of their lives .

A band is a family and a business . With The Balls it was , and always will be , family first . So , no , we haven’t broken up . True we are not playing very often and may go a year or so without playing together . But , as I said at the top of this , we all still adore each other and love playing music together , so it’s really only a matter of time .
Thank you all for caring about us as much as you do , we think you’re pretty awesome too .
See you out there .
xoxoStorm

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my vagina. You’re welcome.

Seriously, “8 Miles Wide” would still be just a big big idea (and the occasional outburst from friends and family members in the know) if it weren’t for the tireless creative megawatt team at Sockeye Creative. James Westby, Tom Grissom and Katie O’Grady, especially, kicked so much ass on this goofy little ditty born in my twisted brains.

Also important to thank – Wilf’s, Mary’s Club, Portland Parks and Rec., Mark Acito, Rick Emerson, Byron Beck, Kevin Morris, Laura Domela, Mary Urbanski, Brenda Casebeer and her trusty steed Brego, Kavita Jhaveri, James Beaton, Davey Nipples, Scott Weddle, The Jim Brunberg, Adam Lundeen, Steve Sharp and all the brilliant extras and personalities who so generously donated to the cause.

Last, but not least, thank you, Portland, Oregon. Your endless support of all things weird will always make you the coolest city on the planet. Bless your rainy and rosy wild heart.

xoStorm

Behind the scenes:

Thank you SO MUCH , everyone , for coming to see “Crazy Enough” and spreading the word . The sales have gone completely nuts so we are likely to extend at this point . If so, I will be on stage June 25th when I turn 40 .

My God I hope I don’t have a meltdown . I usually feel weird around my birthday anyways … not because I’m getting older or anything … it’s just a time of introspection . Where am I , where’ve I been , where am I going ? Whoa … what is happening to my butt ? That kind of crap . The “zero factor” of this birthday , however , not to mention my publicly reliving some major moments from my past , 8 times a week , is really cranking up the self scrutiny .

Oh for the days when it was ” I want chocolate cake …. and a black timber wolf …. a magic carpet OR wings ….or a horse ….aand an easy-bake oven , for my birthday . ” Now it’s all about , ” I want to like my body … I want to not care what I look like , or what anybody thinks …. I want Steve Martin to call me and tell me I’m awesome . And HE likes my body …. even though I DON’T care what I look like , or what anybody thinks …. “

These thoughts really go nuts at bedtime . I want to go to bed with goofy dreams …. not holding the squish on the sides of my ass trying to use creative visualization to build collagen . When THAT doesn’t put me to sleep , I play scrabble against my computer … whom I already know cheats , but I play anyways , inevitably getting more and more pissed because HE somehow has a tray full of  Ms , the Z and other awesome letters , and I have a T and all the I tiles . Resulting in me waking Davey up because I start cursing at the screen … ” Fucking Lying Macintosh … stupid fucking Steve Jobs … cheating ass LIAR …. ” Davey groans at me to go to sleep , but now ,  I’m fully awake so I get up and do squats . Well , I think about doing them . Really , I just lie awake wondering what my ass would look like if I did 100 squats every night before bed , for my whole life , and I’d never eaten a chocolate covered cashew , or had a martini , ever , and I had skipped dinner for the last five years and really DIDN’T care what people thought . I usually fall asleep around 4 in the morning with the sounds of Anderson Cooper gay-flirting with Erica Hill .

I guess this is actually “middle age” I’m looking at . On the one hand , I could easily die by 80 , as do many people , thus putting me in the smack dab middle of life . Or , you could call it “middle age” because of the torture I put my brain through . I chase my so called weaknesses and insecurities around my head like torch wielding villagers chase a monster or witch ….hoping to trap it in an old shack and then burn it to death . ” DIE BODY DYSMORPHIA! DIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!! “

Birthdays with the zero factor really crank up the neurosis for most people , so I don’t feel like I’m singing such a weird song  here . However , as cranky as my brain can get around this time of year , all my introspection and over analysis will eventually give way  to my go-to phrase : ” I fucking rule , thank you very much ” . What will happen then , in all likelihood , will be I end up somewhere awesome with my best friends and the love of my life , drinking martinis , eating chocolate covered cashews celebrating my weird life so far .

And with that , I again say , thank you . Thank you for allowing me to tell stories and sing songs AND get old , all at the same   time … in front of you .

See you out there … and tell Steve Martin to call me .
xoxoStorm

Three weeks of rehearsal , two lungfulls of pneumonia , ten rewrites in one week and about 2000 audience members later … I’d say ” Crazy Enough ” is off to a great start . A pack of the Storm board folks showed up for Saturday the 4th and some of you managed to get autographs and hugs ( and new avatars!! ) Thank you all for making the trip , I’m so glad you had a good time!

This has been a wild experience doing this show , to say the least . Though I’ve been performing forever , I still get nervous before gigs , no matter how big or how small … I never want to suck … and the fear of sucking freaks me out . Usually , my nerves crackle , my breathing speeds up and I sigh a bunch , but that’s about it . With THIS show , however …. my nerves were on high alert . Not like they are with pre show jangles , but more  … as if you were hiding behind a tree , too small to hide behind, while two hundred people shoot at you with cross bows . Backstage , pacing and moaning , waiting for my cue to go on , I totally believed I would puke or fill my pants with burning terror squirts . Just recalling it now makes my intestines twitch . Let’s move on .

I don’t have time to do much , Mondays are my only day off , and so far my days off have been filled with filming a video . James Westby and Katie O’Grady ( the two brilliant people I worked with on ” Rid Of Me “) and Sockeye Entertainment have been working like crazy on the video for ” 8 Miles Wide ” . My concept was a combination 70s douche ad and an old Dr. Pepper commercial . No spoilers , but it involves a beautiful horse , a strip club , Rick Emerson , and some fierce dance moves . I can’t wait to debut it on stormlarge.com . I would guess May – ish . Stay tuned .

Thanks again for coming out and watching me nearly crap myself repeatedly these last few weeks . I have new respect for my sphincter …. without its muscular tenacity , my monologues and music about surviving an inevitable mental break would have turned into a Karen Finley poopfest .

xoxoStorm

We begin a new chapter . The Balls are tucked away for a bit while James and I venture into the theater armed with open minds , new tunes and a pack of sad , embarrassing , sexy and hopefully laugh-worthy moments from my life . My greatest hope is that everyone who comes to Crazy Enough doesn’t leave the theater thinking I’m crazy , as much as I hope they leave knowing that they are not .

Rehearsal starts tomorrow . Thank you all for loving my Balls and supporting me throughout the last few years . I’ve said it before , but without fans , I am only just so much hot air in the dark .

See you out there .
xoxoStorm

I’m a singer . I can sing in front of anyone . Any number of anyones … been doing it for nearly 20 years and will likely be doing it until my big fat head falls off …. and it will probably fall off while I’m on stage , singing .

Acting ? Scary .

I earned my degree in acting and performance in NYC at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts , but I was young , gloriously stupid ,and was pretty sure I sucked at everything BUT singing . I knew this , because when I would perform a song in class , the teacher would cry, give me an A , use me as an example and my fellow students would applaud and visibly marvel at my awesomeness . When doing a scene in acting class , however , I became so self conscious that I felt raw and swollen with weeping purple boils blurting from my flesh and my colon would go all hot and soupy . The teacher would yell (or worse… say nothing) , give me a C , and my fellow students would grow thinner and more beautiful in their seats, confident that they were WAY more awesome than me .

When Chris Coleman at PCS asked me to star as Sally Bowles last year in Cabaret, he had to buy me many lunches and lattes to get me to agree to do it .
It was acting . It made me fat and boil-y . However , I took the plunge and did it despite my fear (and potential adult diaper needs) . It was a fantastic experience .
Lovely people , physically stunning yet warm and caring . Plus I got to make out with super hot gay boys every day for about four months . Boing !!

When the same Chris Coleman asked me to write a one woman show of stories and songs , I became really hungry . It took about twice as many lunches and coffees as I dug my heels into the dirt trembling and sharting , whining “noooooo!!!!”
He finally convinced me (with the help of the calm steady voice of fellow director , Rose Riordan ) . Now ” Crazy Enough” is about to start rehearsals March 10th and will open March 31st . I’m glad I’m taking this step , but I’m fairly certain that on opening night I will have to stuff my pants with wads of brawny paper towels .

How I ended up being cast in a film , is not entirely clear . Jeezum Chrystler . A MOVIE ? With those unforgiving , fat fluffing cameras and all ? The fact is , with nary a meal , James Westby simply asked me to do it , and I agreed . He is a sweet and lovely guy , soft spoken and absofreakin’ lutely brilliant . He thought it would be funny to see me play ” against type” in his new film ” Rid Of Me” . It’s a dark comedy about a woman losing everything to a pack of khaki wrapped ex jocks and their Mary Kay wives… and my character . I’m a former cheerleader , home coming queen , twiffy BITCH FACE with super rich cunty parents and a fat mansion . And though in real-life , I’m almost technically a cougar ( or rather… a cou-GRRRRR) I’m supposed to be the juicy hot straw that breaks the lead character …. nay , shatters the little thing . The lead is played by Katie O’Grady, a hilarious and super focused actor , well on her way to many more bright and brilliant films . She is a treasure .

In fact , everyone in the film is dead on , funny , smart and not a boil in the bunch . The crew is a tight , even keeled machine . Shoots have been really fast and efficient , tons of material covered every day plus lots of riotous mishaps and ad libs
getting archived as well . Very pro despite the indie DIY nature of the project .

Are MY boils showing ? God I hope not . I really want to do a good job for James and Katie O , since they’re putting everything into this piece . Though I’m still self conscious , I’m doing my very best to hit home runs with all of my scenes ( I only have a handful ). Working in film is new to me , as was TV , musical theater and writing a theatrical memoir … but so far , it’s a blast , and I haven’t had an oops in my pants yet . So I got that going for me .

We shall all see in a few months how the film turns out and whether I suck or rule .
In the mean time…. GO COUGARS!

xoxoStormer

Last night I was a ” celebrity ” speller at a charity spelling bee that happens every January at the Art Museum .

I sooooooooo didn’t want to do this . The word list I was given was 4 pages and 900 words long . I didn’t have a clue at what a healthy 50% meant …. there were german , dutch , hindu , yiddish and native american words … not to metion the crazy russian words that tend to have the unlikely pairing of Ks and Zs all snuggly with silent Hs , hanging around being annoying . When I got to the Art Museum , however , I relaxed a bit , ’cause all my co-spellers were nervous and pissed about the intensity of the word list . All but one , I should say …. the 14 year old ringer , Trevor . He was eerily calm . Eating his dinner just simmering with all of his youth , collagen and his bright brilliant future …..  jerk . I knew I was doomed , so I figured I might as well have fun with it …. and intimidate the kid physically .

The beneficiary , of my and my ten co-spellers willingness to be clowned by a 9th grader , was Schoolhouse Supplies . They are an amazing organization , and when one of the teachers from Rosa Parks got up to speak , to thank everyone and talk about Schoolhouse , (she was a wonderful speaker/story teller , btw … clearly a fantastic teacher ,) the sting went completely away and I was really glad to be there …plus I got to meet Gert from Columbia Sportswear …. who is a major badass!

In the end , I stumbled on a few german words , came in second place , and Trevor took the gigantic trophy ( a generous donation by Thomas Lauderdale who has won the bee TWICE ) and Sam Adams (in his first public appearance since the Bro-lita debacle ) announced that a new record had been set in donations and nearly $200,000.00 was raised for Schoolhouse . All in all it was a great night . So , Congratulations Trevor … FYI: I can still kick your ass indian leg wrestling , glasses or no glasses !

(I’m totally kidding , Trevor’s Mom…)

xoxoStorm

Hey Portland!

Whether or not Sam stays in office , Q Center is part of his legacy .
He founded it , believes in it still and has personally implored me
to sing at their fundraiser this Saturday the 31st .

There has been a lot of angry speculation that Q Center has turned
their back on the embattled Mayor . Not true . The facts , like the ones
creating all of this histrionic bullshit we’re in now are known only by
the parties involved directly …. the rest is rumor and pissy gossip .

All I know for sure is Sam pulled the “…. if you love me , you will help
the Q Center ….  ” on me , and I do , so I will . I hope you will also .

Q Centers Winter Gala , Saturday January 31st , 6PM at The Nines .

See you out there ,
xoxoStorm

Hey Portland!

This week has been glorious for America , with the inauguration of
our new , genetically enhanced first family and all … but it has hit the
fan in Portland . Our mayor is in some serious hot water , that he himself
cooked up . However , I love Sam , I support him , and I know he will be
an excellent mayor , if we can get past this mess .

There is a press conference today at noon at City Hall to show support
for the man . I will be there . There will be a rally of support later at 5:30
at City Hall .

Please , if you like big , public squabbles with folks of differing opinions
and you wanna wave signs and be loud and obnoxious on any side of this
issue … stay home and blog , or cantankerously comment on other peoples
blogs . This will be a peaceful show of support .

Thank you and see you out there !
xoxoStorm