PRIVATE MAKE UP SHOW!

SNOW CAN KILL

….If you believe the news.

Only truly studly people with brass chestnuts can get out in this
waking nightmare that is ARCTIC BLAST 2008.

If you are so rad, so burly and EFFED in your crazy HEAD that you can
drive in this terrifying moisture (that is EVERYWHERE!)

Then get your high and tight ass to the Wonderball this Friday and
Saturday , 7pm at the Wonder Ballroom
<..void(0);.r{}>. Friday is all ages supporting
music education, Saturday is 21+ supporting Planned Parenthood. (There
will also be a silent auction of items including several naked
pictures of Storm Large <..void(0);.r{}>…)

Storm and the Balls, Sam Adams, Liv Warfield, Tahoe Jackson, Dan
Savage and the Portland Cello Project (just to name a few) will be
onhand to keep the wolves at bay and the yuletide gay .

Or stay home and huddle amongst your canned goods and emergency
candles….I don’t blame you .

See you out there….and God help us all.

xoxoStorm

The big Poop

AMERICA , F@CK YEAH!!!

I feel hung over . Not from my glass of wine I half drank , half spilled while I spontaneously led 500 people in The National Anthem …. but from the crazy lead up to last night .

My ouchy head and belly ache are from my O.D.ing on election coverage . I don’t know about you , but I pumped WAY too much information into myself over these last many months . Not necessarily “facts” per se …. but information . From nice, crispy statistics and voting records , to the heavier punditry (on both sides) to deeply fried paranoid conspiracies to wild explorations into nasty schoolyard gossip . It was like I wanted a salad but stuffed my face with whatever fatty crap I could grab with greasy buffet tongs . I gobbled up everything on the internets and on the news . The war of words , even the made up , carefully mispronounced to sound more American-y words … were yummy and addicting , but very nearly made me puke ….. a lot .

I feel so much better today . To say the very least … but I wonder why I stuffed myself so much on the good the bad and the rancid.

Barack Obama was my guy early on . I was solid . Neither the news , the polls , nor discoveries of nefarious characters who played G’nip G’nop with my guy in grade school , were going to change my position . But I could not tear myself away from the endless flow of opinion and panicked conjecture crackling from everywhere . Why ? Because I was worried about THEM . The un decideds , the easily swayed , the mercurial , the fickle , those in a tortured love triangle with Bill O’Reilly and Kieth Olbermann . I pored over every minute of news cycle to see if I could read the writing on the situation room wall … who was going to win ?

The more I worried , the scarier it all got … the scarier THEY got …. and the more scare-der THEY got of people like me . ” I hate you” , “I hate you too” ” ….. I hope your cat gets ass cancer , you bigot !” “You are a fucking gay terrorist baby raper!” ” I LEARNED IT FROM YOU DAD! I LEARNED IT FROM YOU !!” and the like …. it got pretty yucky .

But last night , there was a huge collective sigh of relief . The fear gave way to ecstatic cheering , tears of joy and one drunken patriotic sing-along . My fears went bye-bye . But what about the other guys ?

This morning , I thought the Drudge Report would be a tire fire of panic , and the FOX News channel would either be those vertical color bars signaling they were off the air , or there would be a Mad Max type scene with blood , burnt walls and grainy footage of Anne Coulter shaving her head and Sean Hannity babbling incoherently while he ate his own testicles .

To my great surprise , watching FOX news today , the mood was positively mellow . Ari Fleischer and Karl Rove were casually talking about the future of the republican party , the young rising stars ( Sarah Palin was not on that list , btw…. ) and the 2012 election . No bleeding walls , no burning bodies…..nobody was running around screaming about terrorists , reparations or anti American views …. they didn’t look scared at all . It was downright jocular .

I hope the amiable vibe over there catches on . John McCain’s concession speech was a gracious moment , but I think he should do a bit more about healing the rift between his and the Obama voterratti . The rhetoric of fear and division that colored his and Gov. Palin’s rallies was so jarring and nasty , they would do well to play peace makers now . I’m sure there is an enormous number of his supporters who are absolutely pooping their pants today , since enough of them believe that Barack Obama will give his first speech from the oval office in front of a huge inverted cross , then tear off his face revealing that he is really a Sleestack .

The fear and pettiness are nowhere to be seen today , however . Today looks pretty good . My hangover will ease up …. until the news cycle picks up on something else to gorge myself on …. but today , I feel like I took a big ol’ poo and the world is
all sweetness and light .

God bless America . Fuck yeah .

Halloweener!

…..mmmmmmmm ….. weeners .

We’ve got some good times ahead people . I’m talking about music , shows and Halloween , of course .

No politics today . Starting tonight I am going on a news fast … for a week . I have not slept well in days and my brain is packed with such paranoid squawking … even the craziest conspiracy theories are starting to sound viable . I know how I am voting , I know where I will be on November 4th … but I will be no good to anyone if I make myself sick over every twist and turn in the news and on the campaign trail . So no NY Times, no Drudge Report , no BBC , NPR , CNN , Rassmussen , Factcheck , Huffington Post or Daily Beast . No Ed Rollins , Anderson Cooper , Chris Buckley , Naomi Klein or Wolf … and certainly no Hannity , Huckabee , Bachman or O’Reily . They also get a time out .

Yes , I have been reading and watching all of that . Yes , I know , it is too much . No , I haven’t been properly laid in awhile due to the completely anti sexual nature all of this information is .

BUT THAT’S ALL GONNA CHANGE THIS WEEK!

This week is all about putting on slutty clothes , doing my man proper and making music ! GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

James and I will be playing on Friday 10/24 at the Doug Fir to celebrate the release of (D)Early Departed . An album full of some of the best artists Portland has to offer , the proceeds from which go to our oldest and most beautiful cemetery , Lone Fir . Then on Thurs. 10/30 (technically ‘Cabbage Night’ for you East Coast transplants out there..) We’re doing a sexy , stripped down pre Halloween party on the Portland Spirit . Then , on Election Day , I’m doing a reading at The Old Church for the Portland Theater Guild at 10AM …. later there will be a post election party at Grand Central Bowl .

In between my reading and the party I will undoubtedly wear a hole in the floor from the pacing . Maybe I’ll skip the party and just go to the beach …wear a hole in the sand instead .

Be well everyone , and stay calm . Take care of each other even if you are flying different colors from your neighbors. We all want what’s best ….so do and be your best .

See you out there (unless you are on the news … in which case I will see you next week …)

xoxoStorm

Rollins Interview

Henry Rollins does not seem to sleep . He can’t . Maybe he won’t , but while most of us talk about our great ideas and things we’re going to do , he has already torn the ass out of ten projects, and is lining up the next batch for the pummeling .
He’s written eleven books of journal entries , poetry and sleep deprived reverie about life on tour , crushing loneliness and waking dreams that slip easily from hot to horrifying . He recently released three volumes of liner notes to roughly a bazillion songs from his radio show on L.A.s indie 103.1….songs we all need to hear before we die , or we will die lame . He has released seven performance DVDs and one of his talk show ,” The Henry Rollins Show” , the second season of which is airing currently on the Independent Film Channel .
Though his tour schedule is brutal , he finds time to blog , vlog , write articles , and if that weren’t enough , he answers just about every fan email he gets , personally .
At 47 , he’s not gripping a pool ball or getting mauled and gobbed on at his performances anymore, but he’s still fighting the man with all the piss and rage of a twenty year old . His latest show is “Recountdown 2008″ to celebrate the Bush administration’s impending limp out of office. Once again his scarred fist pumps a middle finger right at Karl , Dick and W (to name just a few) .. He screams “FUCK YOU!” with his entire , aching life of non stop work , pain , rock and murder . Why ? Because Henry Rollins cares about America . So much so , he loses sleep over it .

S: Who do you think won the vice presidential debate ?
HR: I don’t think people can really win those things , but I think Sarah Palin was very well versed in the talking points she had very recently memorized and Joe Biden was very good at showing what he’s known for many years .
S: Around here I haven’t personally met any undecided voters , but you’ve been on the road awhile , have you encountered any ?
HR: A few , and they’ve mostly been women , and I don’t know why that is . Sarah Palin’s snarkiness comes off as confidence , comes off as knowledge , it’s a good veneer and may get some votes . Where Joe Biden…. Joe is Joe in a way where he comes off as kind of flat footed . He’s the guy in the Hawaiian Punch ad . He doesn’t lower himself , but I like that . He’s a real guy . When he got choked up , that was real .
S: It WAS real and that’s where Sarah Palin fucked herself , cause she had just finished saying what a mom she was , sitting at her kitchen table and blah blah blah , Biden chokes up about losing his wife and daughter , and she doesn’t spend a nano second to offer condolences or even pretend to be a human .
HR : Yes , but …you read books . Please realize you are on kind of the edge of the bell curve . You aren’t the Big Mac inhaling , middle of the road person . When you see that you say “Wow . What an asshole .” A lot of Americans don’t see that . Facts don’t resonate with most Americans the way ” I’m a hockey mom ” does . She’s got big balls and digs herself and that works for some people . What I took from the presidential debate was that Barack Obama and John McCain are both decent men who both love America . I don’t hate John McCain , I just don’t like where he wants to take my country . He wants to drag me kicking and screaming back into the 80s and I don’t even wanna watch it in a rerun . He’s bragging about not knowing how to use a computer and I’m like , Pal , lose the gills and the tail , come out of the muck and join us up here .
S: You have been really political ever since you put your mouth to a microphone,
when did you consciously turn your art into activism ?
HR: After seeing more stuff in the world , after seeing Africa , India , South America , places that have been really hard hit , where you see people really struggling, then you come back to your wonderful America and you see a guy on a treadmill trying to run the fat off his body because he eats too much . No one in Calcutta gets to have that problem . When you see what globalization looks like , it puts you in a geo political frame of mind .
S: I catch a lot of shit for being politically vocal . Recently a guy essentially wrote me telling me to shut up and sing . Why is it entertainers are supposed to keep neutral ?
HR: Some of it’s jealousy , some of it is you get paid to shut up and sing . Basically , the short version of it is , they’re trying to marginalize you ….but that guy telling you to shut up , I don’t want him to shut up either .
S: Oh , absolutely . I wrote him back and said ‘ isn’t it so great we both get to express our opinions here?’
HR: I support Rush Limbaugh , I can only take about thirty seconds of him , then I gotta go , but , long may he wave .
S: Speaking of thirty seconds of Rush … I may be bias , but it seems to me the funniest people in the world are left leaning and conservatives kind of suck at comedy …. why is that ?
HR : I will paraphrase Janine Garafolo when she said ” You know what all your republican friends have in common? They’re all kinda dicks .” They can’t be funny ,
they’re mean , and they should be largely ignored .
S: This election has got people so twisted with rage (a good thing that it motivates otherwise apathetic people)But I hear and see the same animals using threats and condescension to assert their position . There is so much vitriol on both sides , we wanna be right so badly we’re ready to kill each other to make it so .
HR: I think the motives on both sides are different . The outrage coming from the left is more coming from” You guys don’t play fair ! What’s up with that ?” and when it comes from the right it’s like ” Shut up , faggot . ” The right have such contempt for government , that’s why they cheat , because they don’t like government . Read the
“Wrecking Crew” it’s about Lobbyists and the senators who love them . The Norquists and the Tom Delays , these semi overweight rich white guys with a lot of hate . There’s no talking to these people . They know better , but they don’t care . That’s why they cheat .
S: So how do we fight the bullshit punditry , the spin and intimidation without looking like the same thing only flying different colors ?
HR: You keep fighting the good fight , you keep helping your fellow countrymen . You basically keep doing what you’re doing . Look at all the young people voting now , who know a damn thing or two about politics . Look at all the young people showing up at rallies for both Obama and McCain . That’s the upshot , so I think the future is very bright . McCains America is going away , like a relic , like stoning or putting leeches on your face for a cold .
S: But the proverbial “they” can spin and spin until propaganda looks like fact , and going to the beginning of this conversation talking about Palin , most people will buy what is easy .
HR : They’ll buy it til’ they’re broke . That’s the awful bottom line that these people are gonna have to hit . It’s the two million dollars worth of coke they’re gonna have to go through to realize that coke is a dead end .
S: I guess so . As frightening and unfortunate as it is , you sometimes have to burn a field in order for it to be able to grow and produce again , destruction being integral to re-creation .
HR: Yeah , America is perhaps at the slow push down of the reset switch , and there’s gonna be some turbulence , and there’s gonna be some arms torn off in the machine , but hopefully the next generation says , ” Not on my watch ” . And that’s why you have to keep telling the truth and keep standing up . Don’t submit to intimidation or those who say ” Shut up bitch.”
S: Yeah , it’s funny when I get in a guys face , where a minute ago he wanted to bend me over , but in an argument I get fatter , uglier and older and suddenly , I’m a bitch .
HR : Well , the male ego is very fragile .
S: So is the woman’s . We’re just better liars .
HR: I …. um …. have no comment .

Henry Rollins will be at the Newmark Theater in Portland Oregon Monday , October 13th at 8PM . Tickets are $28.00.
Sadly , I will be hosting Willamette Week’s CANDIDATES GONE WILD at the exact same time at the Roseland Theater,$5.00
benefiting the Bus Project .

Peace out and love thy neighbor no matter how they vote .
xoStorm

The Gosh Darn Debate

Sh-Mortgage-bord!

I am a trampy entertainer by trade , and a mouthy bitch by nature . So if you don’t think artists should discuss politics , go back to reading about ” Who on ‘The Hills’ has cellulite!?” and go enjoy your fourthmeal .

Here’s Michael Moore’s two cents on the financial crisis:

“NOTHING in this “bailout” package will lower the price of the gas you have to put in your car to get to work. NOTHING in this bill will protect you from losing your home. NOTHING in this bill will give you health insurance.

Health insurance? Mike, why are you bringing this up? What’s this got to do with the Wall Street collapse?

It has everything to do with it. This so-called “collapse” was triggered by the massive defaulting and foreclosures going on with people’s home mortgages. Do you know why so many Americans are losing their homes? To hear the Republicans describe it, it’s because too many working class idiots were given mortgages that they really couldn’t afford. Here’s the truth: The number one cause of people declaring bankruptcy is because of medical bills. Let me state this simply: If we had had universal health coverage, this mortgage “crisis” may never have happened.”
———————————————

Storm’s two-and-a-half cents:

He’s absolutely right about the healthcare issue . However , the reason for the banks shutting down is their fangs , though hollow tipped and adept at sucking , cannot get blood from turnips ….. try as they might .

Meaning , normal folks (like myself) were offered a chance to own our own home at outrageously low ( or no ) down payment with introductory rates that made mortgages seem totally doable . We , as home buyers , aren’t necessarily idiots , but it seems we did let life get in the way of our attention to detail .

That was our fault . 3 and 5 year arms expire , and suddenly , your $900.00 ” Dude it’s cheaper than my last apartment … ! ” mortgage for your three bedroom house goes up to what it is supposed to be ,(1200-1400 a month ) . We cannot cry foul because we KNEW our low low “what a screamin’ deal! ” mortgage was to last only three to five years . Buying a house is a complicated process , TONS of paperwork … and if you do something that huge and not know exactly what you’re in for , and you don’t know the difference between “fixed” and “variable” then shame on you .

Before the mess hit the news nearly a year ago about the mortgage crisis , people were getting ready to lose their homes . They KNEW their mortgages were going to go up and when . The lenders didn’t randomly change their fees on us , it’s in our paperwork . But here’s where the banks can stop blaming us and fucking off with their fang-ed selves .

When it was a nationwide situation that a vast majority of recently purchased homes were being foreclosed upon , the lenders and banks , who have shitloads of … what’s that thing called ? Oh yeah … INSURANCE … could’ve put a freeze on interest rates and worked WITH the panicking families instead of being all hardcore about getting them out of their houses so they could sell them to someone else .

Someone else being …. ? All those amazing deal loans were now dried up and lenders required a 10-20% down payment in order to feel comfy about giving a loan to anyone . Even though the mortgage situation had stalled real estate prices , in much of the country , prices even went down ,the folks who have $20- $40,000 in liquid assets looking for a new house weren’t super plentiful .

So the banks foreclosed like they were trying to win a contest . The average cost of foreclosure per house ? $250,000.00 (based on median prices) that’s what the banks paid to buy them back when no one else could … and this happened over and over again .The banks spending assloads of money buying back these friggin houses until … ” Hey , this is SUPER expensive …..we can’t really afford anymore … ummmm , can someone help a brother out ? ”

So here we are , homeowners and renters alike …. giving more money to those fucks . And unlike the squinty eyed evildoer in the old time-y films , who ties the blonde to the railroad tracks , they’ll get away with it . The smiling mountie on his horse isn’t going to ride in to save Nell , nope , Nells blond little brains will be mashed out by a big , greedy train while the mountie and the evildoer are 69 ing in a huge pile of bloody and brain soaked cash .

I have no idea what the whole financial crisis is about ( after all , I’m just a trampy entertainer , really….) but I do know a bit about real estate . I also know that we Americans really like to have stuff . Especially if it’s expensive . And for some reason , we spend like crazy and cry when the bill comes … well get some kleenex , ’cause here comes the waiter .

At least Chevron is still in the black . They work so hard , those kids .

xoxoStormer

My old buddy Tommy Lee…

THE BIOLOGY OF HEAVEN

Anne , who is very much a Mom to me , is in a strange limbo .

She is a retired chemistry teacher , science nut , eco warrior , wife , mother , and the best grammy ever to don an apron . Besides being a round hug-o-matic in cashmere , besides being a patient and wise listener slash problem solver slash boo boo healer , and besides having the most god given touch when baking the heck out of any delectable doo dad you could ever possibly crave … she is also a walking library of immeasurable knowledge . With laser point accuracy , she can answer any crazy question that comes giggling out of her grandchildren . Any bug , rock , mushroom , castle , leaf , mineral , element , paw print and , most especially , any flower , can be not only named , but explained in scientific and fun anecdotal yarns .

She has a mind tightly and neatly packed with endless facts and time tested tangibles .

Anne is a Mom , first and foremost , so when pancreatic cancer started to get the best of her , her main concern was for her family .   “I need to know you all have someone to love you , and you all take care of each other . It’s important .” We have all assured her repeatedly that we’re fine , vowing to be there for each other .  She did a bang up job with us all , taught us how to love , how to listen …. and though we may never nail her gingerbread recipe …. we will for sure keep trying .

She started slipping recently , and when she could talk , she told us she was scared . “What if everything we believe that’s … next … isn’t true ?”
I don’t know any human with a thought in their head who isn’t at least a little afraid of dying  and leaving this well known life behind . Whatever your faith or belief in what lies ahead for us all … you’d be hard pressed to convince me otherwise .

We’ve been doing our best to comfort her and assure her that all is well and when she is ready to let go , all will still be well . But how do you explain the biology of Heaven to a scientist ?

Then she saw the flowers .

Her room is filled with flowers . Some from friends , students … and some picked from her crazy garden in the back of the house . I was rubbing her back one evening , she was on her side facing the wall . “Flowers” .

“What flowers , Ma ?”
“Big, pink flowers .”
I looked around the room and saw a new bouquet on the window sill . A bunch of pink peonies in a pale green vase .
“You want to see your new flowers ? I’ll get them .” I fetched the vase and held it up near her face . “These ?”
“No.”
“Which ones ?”
“I’m looking at them . Beautiful , pink flowers .”
She was not looking at the peonies .
Her eyes were closed .
“…Oh …. what kind of flowers Ma ?”
“Don’t know … never seen em’ before . Beautiful .”
I called her son in law , Bill , into the room . Bill , being the most faithful church goer out of all of us , had been the biggest comfort to Anne with his faith and confidence in God . I told him what she was seeing. He took her hand. ” Anne , is it a beautiful garden ?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to walk through the garden?”
“No.”
“What are you afraid of ?”
“Don’t know. ”
“Someone will have to name those flowers , what would you call them ?”
“Perfect Love.”

She’s been hanging on with all ten fingers and toes even with her body failing , unimaginable pain and strong narcotics being pumped into her every other hour.
Sleeping mostly , barely able to speak , it is a heartbreaking fight . We all simultaneously want her to let go , be at peace … then feel an awkward shame at wishing death to take her .

Her daughter , Daphne , is my oldest friend  on the planet . This awful waiting and the near catatonic state her mother is in now hurts her in ways I can only imagine . The last time Anne could speak , she spoke to Daphne .

We were all around the bed , Daphne , me , Don , Anne’s husband of 55 years , and her oldest daughter Molly . Anne had been trying to write something for 45 minutes on a yellow pad . She held the pencil perfectly and stared at her hand but couldn’t get her body to cooperate . We quietly waited . She finally pushed the pad away with a frustrated sigh . Daphne asked , “Mom …. would you like me to write it for you ?”

“I have to ….. get a message …” She was so weak , her voice was a strained and exhausted whisper .
“I’ll write it for you … who’s the message for ?”
“My mother.”
“OK … what’s the message ?” Daphne took the pad and pencil .
“Tell her … to make the scones the way she used to … ”
“OK”
“I would like them to be hot when I get there .”

Later that night Daphne and I stood by her grandmothers grave , relaying the message , word for word .

Anne never really spoke again . There were momentary flutters of recognition , her hand would hold yours or it would move on its own picking an invisible something out of thin air and holding it close to her face . But mostly she slept.

There have been countless magical and wonderful moments punctuating the overall horrible specter of death approaching . Death is as real as sound and light , as birth and laughter … but , like these things , there is ethereal in the real . Magic in the machinery . We , the living , looked on her dying with a sick empathy . A painful urge to look away , to stay separate . Everything in us is hard wired to stay alive , and when someone close is clearly dying , we feel their sad struggle . We rage and despair at their losing the fight … it’s natural to want to hide from it .  But in staying and touching , sadly but boldly looking on , we were blessed with tiny glimpses through the veil between the here and the who knows where . These slips of after that snuck through , though strange , were comforting . We knew she was headed somewhere beautiful , if not familiar . We knew she would see her loved ones who passed .. , and , very possibly , get to enjoy some buttery baked goods .

Anne Dando Leavitt finally passed away Monday night , August 18th at 11:38PM in her home surrounded by her family .

To honor her memory , the family has asked folks to please donate to Anne’s favorite charities . One is for her 7 year grand daughter who suffers from a kidney disease called PKD , the other is a small farm in Southborough , Massachusetts that is home to these fluffy , Belted Galloways , (nicknamed Oreo cows) . In recent years , Anne made it her personal mission to keep the tiny cow farm in business .

For donations to her grand daughters PKD fund, click the banner below :
Steppin for Stephie

For donations to the Oreo Cows, click the link below :
Breakneck Hill Cow Fund
SouthboroBelties.Org

” Please make sure to love and take care of each other . It’s important .”
- Anne Leavitt

VOTE!!!!

Next Page »